


peau de rousseur

by dangogh



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Phandom Big Bang, Phandom Big Bang 2018, Phandom Fic Fests: Bingo, Phandom Reverse Bang 2018
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-06 00:19:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16821358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dangogh/pseuds/dangogh
Summary: *translated to freckled skin*❝He wore his scars as his best attire, a stunning dress of hellfire.❞In a world where children are orphaned by silence, grief and destinies are bestowed upon the most unlikely of people, Daniel Howell must choose between what is good and what is right, between the light, the dark and the in-between. With Dark messages of his own thoughts, a twin brother who looks for trouble, and a hapless love for a dead-man walking, Daniel’s life is anything but easy. But with smoke in his eyes and death at his back as he stands on the brink of war, the Dark Lord will soon experience fear he knows not.Love will win and lose.Lives will be lost.And darkness will be discovered within.





	1. prologue

> It cuts deep.

> Deeper than any knife ever could. It seeps into your bones and makes you numb. Survival becomes impossible, but necessary. The only thing that can counteract the bone crushing internal numbing of the crisp cold air are the strong, warm arms of the one that can hold you so close, so tight.


	2. one

Everything had hurt. His head, stomach, heart.

His head from pulling at his hair as he sobbed into warm, hardly pale skin. His heart from having it broken by the many he loved. And his stomach from constantly heaving while he struggled to breathe while sitting on the cold-tiled floor of the mid-century home. He felt stupid. All of his pain was his own fault. Dan let himself fall for someone who he knew loved another oul. He fell without even knowing if the almost-stranger would catch him.

He didn’t catch him. He didn't see him.And Dan falling mentally hurt more than when he fell from a tree at the age of twelve and broke his left arm. 

Tears poured just as hard as the rain hit the roof outside. The pitter-patter used to calm Dan, but tonight he felt the rain making his pain worse. The rain beating against the window caused his entire heart to sink to his stomach and churn painfully. Thunder roared, lighting feeling the dark bathroom with light.

Dan crumpled the letter he wrote previously to his lost lover, shredding it in half and letting the two pieces fall to the ground. He read each word, broken sentences, broken hearts. Dan rose from the floor, opening the window only slightly letting the two sides of paper fly in opposite directions.That night Dan promised himself he’d never fall in love again. He knew the promise was as empty as he felt in the moment, but he hoped the second time around wouldn’t be so painful as his first. 

❦❦❦

Dan is careful not to make too much noise as he opens the bathroom door and makes his way back into his bedroom, locking his door and sliding under his bedsheets. Holding his breath until he felt safe to let it go. Dan had no idea what he was afraid of, Mom wouldn’t hurt a fly and his twin brother couldn’t hurt him in the house.

Dan hated always being compared to his obviously better half. Nathanial Jacob Howell, known as Nate. The same Nate that lets his younger brother, of two minutes out two miles away from school to walk so he doesn’t have to be seen with him. Dan doesn’t blame him, he probably needs the exercise, mentally and physically. Dan doesn’t listen to his therapist’s advice about _walking in silence, no music, just alone is good for your thoughts to allow yourself some alone time._ Last time Dan remembers doing that he walked out in front a car going way over the speed limit in hopes of ending his life so he wouldn’t have to hear the voices speaking all at once.

❦❦❦

Everyone remembered the thunderstorm which swept over the small cottage home which stood in a small neighborhood on the cold, winters night. The rain fell as the clouds wept at the events to come and the thunder crashed as the dark sky screamed for the unknowing young male who were destined to fall that night. The harsh winds brought down dozens of large oak trees and many of the decorations were swiped away by the mist as it three its tantrum.

The small cottage home owned by the Howell’s were fenced off from the rest and was the only house on the block that never decorated for holidays, but especially the holiday coming up, _Halloween_. Dan’s mother was strictly against the holiday ever since him and Nate were extremely little. They never got the joys of running to homes and trick or treating the families willing to give the candy away or finding a costume in the shops.

Dan’s memories of the spooky holiday consisted of staying inside with every light in the house on and every door locked. Mom didn’t even participate in handing out candy to the little kids. She viewed it as _feeding into the devil’s tricks_ , her words not Dan’s.

Dan remembers his father well, a charming young man with brown eyes who only held love for his family, and on somedays when he decided to work from home were framed by a pair of circular-rimmed, black glasses.

Dan sees his mother as a beautiful woman, even in her older age. She was always a kind woman, always holding a bright smile on her face, even when Dan could see she was ready to burst into tears. Always humming a tune, singing down to the necklace hung around her neck, a locket which held the three love of her lives all in one small frame; her lovely husband, Nathanial, and Daniel. She was always so humble and full of joy and excitement for the next event to occur.

Still, after five years Dan catches his mom holding a slim, dark brown frame to her heart. Dan knows the picture. He’s studied it a billion times himself. A polaroid of Dad, Mom, him and Nate. The night before dad was forced to leave for war; being twelve years old saying goodbye to his father with only a small glimmer of hope of seeing his return is hard to deal with all the while of trying to stay in school and make passing grades. It was dad’s idea to take the picture, _just to give the boys something to have of all of us until I return._ Expect he never returned, just a month after he left with the rest of fathers and mothers risking their lives for us, we get a call letting us know he was in clinical condition and weren’t sure if he could make it out of the hospital alive.

_News Flash: he didn’t. Just two days of video calling with him, he had taken his last breath._

Much like tonight, Dan is listening to his own heavy breathing. It’s all Dan allows himself to listen too. He memorizes the bedpost, the wall behind the bedpost and in front of where he lies. Dan never feels excitement over getting to go back to school after a short, quiet weekend just to go into a building where he’s clearly not wanted.

\Dan wonders how much longer he can continue this freud with his head. He wonders how much longer he can take the voices screaming a million negative things at him a second. Dan feels bored of this entire situation. No one seems to notice Dan’s absence. He tugs at his own hair, closing his eyes tighter and tighter trying to make the already pitch black room darker so he could hopefully get some rest before the day ahead. He doesn’t. Not even a short nap.

Dan starts to remember the letter he ripped in two and letting it fly out of the window. Now his voices are catching up to his restless of running from them. W _hat if someone finds that letter. What if blue-eyed beauty finds the letter. What if the person decides to plaster the letter around the entire school so beautiful sees it?_ Dan tries to shake the voices, but they only grow stronger. Dan sits up, pushing himself off his mattress and pacing around the room like instantly turned crazy. He knew laying in bed would only make them grow stronger.

6 _:38am_

Walking to the hallway, and running to the bathroom to try his best to hide the under eye bags from not sleep. Lips apart, working on blending the third layer of concealer and twisting the cap and hiding it deep inside his side of the cabinet. He slaps his cheeks, blinking his eyes tightly numerous times and walking back to his room to get ready for the day that he’s never really prepared for no matter what time he decides to get up and get ready.

“You ready, fuc—r?” Nate opens the door, exposing Dan’s half-dressed body.

“Two more seconds.” Dan huffed, pushing the door shut and hitting it with his fist after it was successfully shut with a click. Dan went through four shirts all landing on the floor next to feet and trying another. He always tried for a shirt large enough to hide his stomach, and black enough to try and show the people around him that he really didn’t get a shit about being in the building in the first place. “More holes the better,” Dan whispers to his shirt which has developed four holes from Mom washing it once every three days and his black jeans with cuts in the knees.

“You have three fucking seconds or I leave without you.”

_I would probably be better off,_ Dan only thought the sentence before opening the door, throwing the strap over his shoulder and following his brother down the hallway and to his car. Dan tugged at his jackets sleeves until they were covering everything but the tip of his middle finger.

“It’s eighty fucking degrees and you still wear all black and a jacket? What’s wrong with you?” Nate huffs, hitting Dan’s arm. Dan flinches, moving closer to the door next to him. Putting in his headphones, shuffling his playlist and locking his phone.Nate picked up his phone as we approached a four way stop. “He’s signaling you to go.” Dan rolled his eyes. 

“I can’t go until you get out.” Dan pushes himself out of the car, slamming the door harder than he ever has. He's never let Dan out so early on in the ride. Watching Nate drove off after the door was shut and locked hurt Dan. Sure he knew Nate hated his guts and wanted nothing to do with him, he knew if it were up to Nate he would completely change the way he looked so he wouldn’t have to look like he was even remotely related to Dan but that’s science.

Dan’s breathing changed. Almost as low as as the beat of his heart, shallow and soft, thrumming gently against his chest. as he watched his finger disappear into the hills across the sheets. His eyes falling on the mirror across from his bed, his carmel irises dripping off all the intellect caged inside his vast mind, representing clear brown scotch that hs you drunk within seconds. His eyes so deep, exotic, and boring.

Dan sits up from his sheets, reaching for the bottle sitting on the table. Dan seemed to sneak the scotch from mom’s liquor cabinet every night and drink until he could’t feel anything else at all. Rose lips selfishly riuned with smooth cracks, slightly crooked teeth making zero appearance. His freckles dotting his pink cheeks, sucked in as he took one drink from the bottom now in his hand. His dimples represent the black holes where he has hid his true identity in. _Is everything okay?_ Dan asks himself, looking through the mirror, his reflection answering with a soft smile, shaking his head from left to right.

_I guess._ Dan answers himself again, tugging at his shirt. It seemed like it was suffocating him. He sat down the bottle after his third chug, pulling the shirt off his neck, tugging it over his shoulders, head and now throwing it on the floor. Dan felt uncomfortable. He was cold, warm, all in between.

Looking about the room, his eyes traveling to the sour cream ceiling, pale blue walls and dark floors that is so horribly bland, so horribly similar to his own life. The galaxy he was once so comfortable in, the small four walled room holding all his belongings just seems too _small_ , too _familiar_ now.

Dan doesn't want to be comfortable anymore. He wants someone to answer all of his questions he’s kept hidden in his little brain. _How_ _does it feel to have someone else’s arms wrapped around his own plush body? Is it warm?_ his hands cup around his nude torso, his fingers wind loosely in the loops of his black jeans.

Dan imagines someone holding his waist as he holds the cheeks of the unnamed imaginary figure in Dan’s mind. He never picture’s a visual of this said figure he likes to thin about, but he imagines someone’s arms wrapped around his waist when he's asleep. Dan likes to think about the person’s heartbeat and how soft it would sound in the dark of the night.

Slipping off his jeans, leaving himself in his shorts he climbs back into the warm duvet, hiding his face deep into his pale white cushion. A mess of crystal sweat and blushing cheeks, his chest flushed with cold and security only for a moment before he remembers he is still alone. The duvet hugging his every curve, Dan crossing and uncrossing his legs under the sheets. His pale fingers tracing the soft freckles on his chest. _One, Two, Three.._ Dan counts the freckles. Twenty two in total.

His breathing changes again. Instead of soft, quiet breaths to match his heart beat it’s like he’s been drowning. He takes quick heavy breaths, turning from one side of the queen bed to another. He’s a burned out star in comparison to his older brother. He’s like an entire galaxy, the stars shine throughout days when mine are struggling to stay up in the sky.

Dan was tired of having to hide behind his brothers talents. Dan excelled in his studies, but was nothing compared to all of what his brother was good at. The bruising pink blush seeped onto Dan’s chest and stomach, the stars shining through his hardly shut blinds. His skin inflames with a red shade, his irises reflect the light of the brightness outside was showing in now. His heart beat a little faster, his lungs expanding and decreasing in size every second he listens for the clocks tick.

For years now, Dan saw his body as a tulip. Wilting everyday he forced it out of the comfort of his bed. Dan wanting so desperately to escape his comfort zone and run away to a place unfamiliar. Dan knew he didn’t have much longer before the tulip slowly wilted to it’s brown crisp. He didn’t want to die; he always didn’t want to feel this way anymore. He wanted to impress his mom, brother, teachers, and classmates. But he felt like the more he stayed alive he was doing the opposite. 

Dan sat pondering, the still noise from the classmates around him making him almost sick to his stomach. He never did good in complete silence, it gave his mind enough time to think on things that he tried to desperately to avoid.

He tended to watch his feet fumble with the floor, looking around at the people in front of him. No one seemed to be paying attention to him, but that’s what scared him the most. _What if I’m nothing to no one, what if I'm someone’s imaginary friend they left behind when they were two who got lost here, no one seems to notice my existence when we have group work. I’m always the one having to work alone._ Dan hated himself for having social anxiety, he hated his mental state for making him this way.

**Author's Note:**

> all family members of dan and phil in this story are completely made up, respecting dan and phils wishes to get their families private all of the family members will have different names. <3  
> BUT I HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOY THE STORY!


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